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i almost forgot i actually spent my 24th birthday on planet earth exactly 7 days ago. it was a nice cozy dinner party of 6. i was so so loved.
i know this is not a good way to get things sorted, but somehow i feel so free and so unburdened when i randomly spend my time and thoughts on unimportant things, blogging and googling without feeling compelled to stop. i guess this is what freedom is? suddenly i see this grace of being able to be yourself, without having to conform to a certain form of being, a certain way of thinking, a certain expression of living. the wonder of it all is to be able to be myself, without feeling guilty because i haven’t done this and/or (HA!) that. it’s good to know that i can start from scratch, and having the will to start from scratch and KNOWING that i could actually give up what i had in the past so that a true and honest self can come into being for the first time makes me really happy.
the thought of giving up fully crossed my mind, but then i just realize this is NOT worth it. i still want that life, which i was able to from time to time taste, a little bit, a tiny bit. i still want that life which is so true and so alive. i actually see hope in giving up, stop staying in a state of being which i obviously am not because in this way i can start to work on and reconcil different issues and really let the impurities be burnt away, now that i finally admit their existence is real.
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