Filed under: Uncategorized
oh god. i dunno who i am. i need to find out who i am. oh god oh god.
i dunno what i want. i dunno how hard i wanna try
M says there’s no good hiding. but it’s so painful so painful to start questioning. i dun understand how ppl actually grow up without role models in their lives. i dunno how to grow up it’s so painful. the cost is too big. i dunno how this would work but i dun want to hide in my blanket anymore. oh but it’s so painful.
can u promise me it will be beautiful and this would be the best decision i’d ever made in my life?
can u teach my heart to trust that i am beautiful, that i am no failure and there’s no accident?
Filed under: Uncategorized
i almost forgot i actually spent my 24th birthday on planet earth exactly 7 days ago. it was a nice cozy dinner party of 6. i was so so loved.
i know this is not a good way to get things sorted, but somehow i feel so free and so unburdened when i randomly spend my time and thoughts on unimportant things, blogging and googling without feeling compelled to stop. i guess this is what freedom is? suddenly i see this grace of being able to be yourself, without having to conform to a certain form of being, a certain way of thinking, a certain expression of living. the wonder of it all is to be able to be myself, without feeling guilty because i haven’t done this and/or (HA!) that. it’s good to know that i can start from scratch, and having the will to start from scratch and KNOWING that i could actually give up what i had in the past so that a true and honest self can come into being for the first time makes me really happy.
the thought of giving up fully crossed my mind, but then i just realize this is NOT worth it. i still want that life, which i was able to from time to time taste, a little bit, a tiny bit. i still want that life which is so true and so alive. i actually see hope in giving up, stop staying in a state of being which i obviously am not because in this way i can start to work on and reconcil different issues and really let the impurities be burnt away, now that i finally admit their existence is real.
