uh oh

oh god. i dunno who i am. i need to find out who i am. oh god oh god.

i dunno what i want. i dunno how hard i wanna try

M says there’s no good hiding. but it’s so painful so painful to start questioning. i dun understand how ppl actually grow up without role models in their lives. i dunno how to grow up it’s so painful. the cost is too big. i dunno how this would work but i dun want to hide in my blanket anymore. oh but it’s so painful.

can u promise me it will be beautiful and this would be the best decision i’d ever made in my life?

can u teach my heart to trust that i am beautiful, that i am no failure and there’s no accident?

i almost forgot i actually spent my 24th birthday on planet earth exactly 7 days ago. it was a nice cozy dinner party of 6. i was so so loved.

i know this is not a good way to get things sorted, but somehow i feel so free and so unburdened when i randomly spend my time and thoughts on unimportant things, blogging and googling without feeling compelled to stop. i guess this is what freedom is? suddenly i see this grace of being able to be yourself, without having to conform to a certain form of being, a certain way of thinking, a certain expression of living. the wonder of it all is to be able to be myself, without feeling guilty because i haven’t done this and/or (HA!) that. it’s good to know that i can start from scratch, and having the will to start from scratch and KNOWING that i could actually give up what i had in the past so that a true and honest self can come into being for the first time makes me really happy.

the thought of giving up fully crossed my mind, but then i just realize this is NOT worth it. i still want that life, which i was able to from time to time taste, a little bit, a tiny bit. i still want that life which is so true and so alive. i actually see hope in giving up, stop staying in a state of being which i obviously am not because in this way i can start to work on and reconcil different issues and really let the impurities be burnt away, now that i finally admit their existence is real.

so my friend was telling me perhaps i should blog again. yeah blogging really helps when it comes to sorting out my thoughts, so i am trying. i think somewhere in the setting there’s a privacy setting button but i just couldn’t find it or say i couldn’t be bothered to spend another 5 minutes looking for it.

today is another no-school day. this semester i only have school from mon to wed, which i thougth was pretty cool coz i can spend all my time doing things i like.

a total lack of discipline makes it impossible for me to do what i wanted to do in this what is supposed to be a more relaxing semester, but i am very happy to say that i am beginning to pick up the bits and pieces of my life again.

i haven’t really written anything for a long long time…like i wrote a line here and there on facebook, updating my status, but i am not really blogging…

i almost forget i blog here…until i saw the tungfook bible reading page…

ummmm

i read the stuff i wrote here like 2-3 years ago and i almost dun remember i went through that. and at some point i was like did i really write that?? did i really expose myself SO MUCH so freely (or seemingly freely) in a random blog? there were like 3 seconds i wanted to delete this blog but then i saw some comments from a dear brother and just suddenly recalled the me 2 years ago. no i want to keep this blog even some of the things i had written had strangely embarrassed me. i dun even know why they do. but yeah i want to keep this piece of me on wordpress.

tonight i deleted some emails in my hotmail inbox. i was tempted (and i gave in) to read one of them and i found myself reading a stranger’s words. it’s so sad how two people used to be so connected went their seperate ways and just never stay in touch anymore. i also read some emails i wrote to my friends telling them ‘im ok’ but in fact looking back i was obviously in a destructive self-denial state and obviously NOT ok. all my life im just not used to living as a weak person but now i see how happy it is to be your true self and knowing for sure that god loves me the way i am and i dun even have a certain image to preserve even as i grow older.

oh so after writing these paragraphs i suddenly figured out why i stopped blogging. i used to think my thougths are super important and it’s important that i express them because they are SUPER important (circular…). blah.

oh and super random: last night someone talked to me in a way that a string of my heart is touched. not in a good way.

ok back to bible reading…exodus is a really cool book.

and i am praying so hard that i won’t be late for school tmr…

this entry sounds super heavy but in fact im blanking out that’s why…HAHA

i have not written on wordpress for a long time…and i just suddenly feel like blogging. this is not going to be a public space, but if anyone finds out by chance (perhaps by googling!!! my favourite activity), you’re welcome to explore this blog. yeah u might find it a bit different from my xanga blogs, but i still hope u like it. i’ll try to tell you about me, on facts about me that you’ve already noticed and accepted.

i use ‘hywujanice’ for almost every account online. it all started with my classmate clement pang back in high school. clement is this computer genius. not very interested in coming up with my own username for a whatever account, as far as i remember it, i just use the same username combination like his. so it all has to do with a high school friend, a person whom i only meet like once in 4 years!!!

Esther is making cream puffs! The cream puffs are doomed…they looked like the unleaven bread for Passover…

Whoa!! They're very tasty!!! Can actually put cream INSIDE the pastries!!

Ho Ging Ging ah!!

today i went to daddy's room in ica and we prayed…i only stayed there for the morning session and we were praying for intimacy…then pnate felt that we have to pray for broken families and this fatherless and motherless generation…i wasn't particularly feeling a thing because i didn't let myself to…i didn't know what i was feeling and what i want god to do with my dad.

dad is super stressed out these days because of the new project…and i totally don't know what to do. somehow i think i kinda let this problem roll on and refuse to think about it…and i even asked him to go see uncle george…thinking in this way i would have discharged my part of duty…but i just felt that it is such a bad thing to deny my own father of his needs…and finally i suggested i should go with him next friday (have to tell alain later about it, or if you are reading it, let me know!)…and today there was a time when auntie winnie represented the 'mothers' of hk and pray for each one of us…and i felt the love of god was so great…i think i've been hurting because my parents, although attitudes changing, are not as supportive as many of those 'tung fook' parents…and sometimes they broke (mainly my mom, my dad doesn't have much opinion) my heart because it felt so bad to have your parents to criticize the practice of your beloved church and even certain aspects of bible teachings(e.g. fast. when i told them i am not going to have dinner because i was fasting they went really worried…sigh and i told them if they know more about fasting they would not be so worried).  how i wanted to have a mother that trusts me in my choice of life and encourges me to love jesus more and build his kingdom bigger. the role of my mom was more like this: she wouldn't encourage me anything because apparently she thinks i am doing fine and enough…she only have an opinion when she thinks i am doing too much…so she doesn't say anything about my visions and stuff…and when she talks about it…it always hurt my heart inside…i am afraid to admit this…it is hard.

lord…i pray for my family…that we would all be serving you…and loving you and understand you. i really wanna encourage my parents to love you more and to spread the gospel…i know you are changing them already and i thank you for the things you've done coz i know it's already a huge change and big step…but i ask for more. jesus please bless our family

 ++

also today went to do a library serach for my crim essay due next tuesday. there was a friend who reminded me not to be so worried and told us it is not really necessary to read so many stuff…i agree…

so jesus…i may not be the one who is reseraching+doing things in the best efficient way…but this is me. i may not be really competent…but this is how god has designed me =) this is already enough =)

so today Peter wagner talked about being an apostle is a 'birth right' of all of us borned in this generation. it's not our parents, it's not even our teachers. some of the folks from the older generation are able to transform to become the apostles and understand the work of the holy spirit, but you see they need this 'transformation' while many of us in this generation do not.

what i learnt today echoes pretty much with what i've been experiencing these days. i was so stupid as to think that because my parents do not understand why praying is so important and i need their permission to commit to a spiritual warfare prayer group while many others (e.g. fafa, johanna) just simply go and their parents are totally supportive because they totally understand what their childern are doing and it's worth it. somehow it's heartbreaking to think about it. i mean, for parents who aren't even christians, at least you've got an excuse for them. that they don't understand salvation and god's kingdom. but for christian parents, sometimes i find it difficult to take my parents somehow hurtful and unsupportive responses to my committment to god.

so what have i inherited from my family?

many people found it strange that i don't need to go 'bai san' every year. i haven't been to a cementary before. i remember attending funerals of my relatives and everyone in the room did not expect us to bow. i began to understand the reason why we don't have to 'bow' or 'bai' (totally supportive of paying tibutes to the loved ones and want to go once to the cementary, but just don't want to 'bai') is because my parents insisted on worshipping god alone and no other 'ancesstors'. so in my youth, i may not be able to serve god as freely as other people whom parents are totally supportive, i know my kids would be able to do so.

i just really wish my parents to experience the holy spirit and be changed.

it hurts so much when satan is accusing you of not being as competent as some other person.

yea they may have a lot. favourable circumstances.

somehow i wonder if the circumstances would be such that i could NEVER ever serve god like other people? so how does god see me and my giving? why use me when he could accomplish so many things WITHOUT me with other people?

it's not good when mind is not strong enough to resist these accusations and i just took them all in.

i wept.

but god is good.

he gave me psalms 139. but i didn't read it.

i left home and took the MTR.

and god asked me to listen to the 'super strong god' album

and one of the songs, surprisingly, consists of a monologue of psalms 139.

god…

this is me.

i don't want to become a hyprocrite. i don't want to compare.

back off back off back off!!

tell me of my worth, lord. please

tell me i'm unique.

I need a greater capacity! Work is piling up…it's not like I never worried about not being able to finish my work and do them well…sometimes I'm worried too! Must not be lazy!

God…please teach me to do Your will…I want to love You more than the things world offer me…